Pride? or life?
If anyone of you has ever read the Inheritance series by Christopher Paolini, you would know the line that follows the next. But if you haven’t, the line is self-explanatory and you don’t need to worry about it being related to the story. “Dying for your beliefs actually pretty common. It’s living and suffering for what you believe in that takes courage.” This line inspired me and if there was something I believed in, I would not give up and wait for my time to put my belief forward. But then, I agree, there would be times when I had to live according to rules/norms which would completely defy my beliefs. But then, earlier this month, I got this line from a friend of mine which he has completely taken to. It’s from the popular anime series Dragon Ball Z. I went over to www.youtube.com and saw the video and it proved to be equally inspiring. Vegeta, a super-saiyian (class of characters from Dragon Ball Z), was captured by Babidi, the greatest wizard in the series, but he resists and says, “You may have invaded my mind and my body...but there's one thing a Saiyain always keeps...his PRIDE!!!”
Haha! Too inspiring, both of them. But I have no idea as to what to believe in anymore. He would have killed himself had he not had the strength to oppose the power that had captured him. But that’s not the case in real life. You don’t always have the strength. You don’t always have a chance. What do you keep in that case : bide your time to come back later, or in short, your life….or your Pride?
Haha! Too inspiring, both of them. But I have no idea as to what to believe in anymore. He would have killed himself had he not had the strength to oppose the power that had captured him. But that’s not the case in real life. You don’t always have the strength. You don’t always have a chance. What do you keep in that case : bide your time to come back later, or in short, your life….or your Pride?
0
Cures to my Broken Heart !!!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Natasha's gone.
*Originally published on Sep 26th, 2009*
Hello dear readers,
This is the first prose I've ever written outside of my homework assignments so I'd rather you excuse me for being a bit too abnormal.Well, I'm here to put forward a lot of thoughts that are moving around
in my mind. A hell of a lot of thoughts...
The first thought, the root of all the others, is that Natasha's gone. Well, I'm not sure if she's left. But from what I know about her plans from a month and three and a half weeks ago, she should be on a flight to UK...to Bradford...back to Forster Halls...where she's gonna spend the next 9-10 months of her life....and graduate from the University of Bradford with a B.Sc. in well, god knows what the subject is called, for I only knew about it as Business Management....lol...i never even cared to ask for the proper name of the course! Hah! But we had some....ummmmm....rather a LOT of other things to talk about....than just studies...and if we ever ran out of things, we made some up...! It was fun...it was....while it lasted...! Well, everything has to end, doesn't it?
Now, I'm on a road to recovery from something that shouldn't have hurt me at all....except for the fact that it's burning me up from inside....and freezing the hell outta me at the same time. Devika always joked around saying "Gum's in love with my baby sister!", "Gummy, ur in love", and a lot of other things...But well, I never
believed her...why would I? how could I? when I thought whatever I thought was correct and others were too blind to notice things happening around me...with me. J.K. Rowling's fictional character Albus Percival Wolfric Brain Dumbledore said "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be any recovery"...or something that meant the same....by the way, I'm sorry Mrs. Rowling for copying the statement and I hope you'll excuse me for plagiarism.
So, continuing, first question I ask myself is "What am I supposed to recover from?". Now that's a hard one. Or is it? Can dee not be right? Was I actually in love? Can someone please define love for me? Will someone please?? Again...please??? I don't know what love is but I do wanna understand why knowing what love is, is so difficult. I also wanna know if love, like some disease, be characterised by some symptoms. Well, to differentiate the normal me from a me who might have been in love, I'll provide a few changes that might strike to a love doc as some of his symptoms.
I don't know why, but all I've thought about for the past one month and three and a half weeks is about, or is related to, her. Every two seconds I've been awake, her name's popped up in my mind. I've spoken her name at random times....times like when my boss was shouting on me... Well, I've started losing control over my practiced phasing out technique where I used to dream away into my own world while something un-interesting was going around in my real world, while still paying attention to the real things happening around me. I used to cross the road with just one glance at the moving traffic because I could just picture the real things moving about as they should, in my dream world. But now, I've lost control. I phase out when I am supposed to be working, when I'm supposed to be walking, when I'm supposed to be bathing, when I'm supposed to be talking, when I'm supposed to be reading! Not normal phase out's they are though, because they all take me to her. Now that's just two. Btw, would you fuckin' believe someone buying a camera that costs 300$ for a person they never talked to for a month? Believe it, cuz I fuckin' did it! Would you fuckin' believe I keep telling her mother about the stock market in my head? cuz I knew she invests in shares and stuff?? Would you fuckin' believe I read up the whole history of American Express and Oberoi hotels just cuz her dad worked there? Would you fuckin' believe that I spend 2 hours a day reading 'Management for Dummies' just to get to know the technical terms? (Btw, m pretty good at managing stuff, it's just the terms that kill me!) Nah, a normal person doesn't do it...surely not after they've stopped talking to each other....Now is that love?
Let's just, for once, consider it to be that fucked up four letter word, L-O-V-E. What do I do next? For that to be answered, I guess I must first look at what happened that's making me even consider doing something about whatever that happened.
So, there's this one fine day, on the 31st of July....year 2009...that I decide to meet her for the last time before I leave for home...and well, I had plans to leave for U.S. in another 14 days. We meet.....talk.....have fun while sitting at Barista in C.P. We roam around Janpath looking at Sheesha's (wow, that's what she used to call them, my word was always Hookah!) and I buy a bowl...(for those who don't know, I smoke up....and I love...ohhh no, idk what love is...yet....I mean I like it). Now I call up a friend of mine....Rohan....He was my roommate while we were both at Clemson. An awesome guy....with spur-of-the-moment plans....His plan??? Let's drink...Wow..! Why not?? She's been drunk before, I knew that....I've been drunk before....with Rohan...So yeah, WHY NOT?? We had our fun...but she thought I was a bit too tipsy....and she drank my last drink...I ordered another....and we both went overboard...TO be brutal and use the bad words, well, we didn't fuck...nah...we didn't even kiss...nope....where's the problem then? Well, she had to go home....She couldn't tell her parents whom she was with...cuz they don't know me....but well, we had the time of her life...All I remember was saying a lot of things to her...and her saying a lot of things back...and suddenly, her head...it just went off...I had to drop her back home using the Metro...and I lost her while buying the token...and then, when I finally found her....I looked at her and I knew I would never forget that look on her face....She was looking terrible...as if something that had haunted her for all her life was right there in front of her...now, finally revealing itself....it's true identity...she wouldn't look up...she wouldn't speak...she couldn't speak...I remember lying to her mother about what happened...I remember her passing out in her mum's car...I remember everything cuz I knew this was where I had fucked it all up....Yes, all the fuck-up's of my life are just because I was wrong somewhere....I can not blame anyone else...I will NEVER blame any other...
So then what?? We stopped talking...the last message I got from her was something like "I made sure your dignity/self-respect still hold with my parents...and I cannot talk to you anymore". Shocked as I was, I ended up smoking in my car while driving back home and I ended up taking an un-lit cigarette right into my house (for those of you who don't know...like my mum...well, I smoke...) I crashed right at my mum's feet...she thought I was drunk...I told her everything...asked her not to tell Dad anything...she told my Dad everything...Dad accused me of forcing Natasha to drink and of many more things which now you can imagine...and I ended up slapping my dad for doubting my values. He got a bit too angry, canceled all my plans to go to the States and sent me, instead, for an internship at a place called Nalagarh (doesn't the name of the place alone tell you know how angry my Dad was?).
Well, the people who made "How to lose friends and alienate people" should take a leaf outta my book. I lost the love of my parents...and I lost the girl I was beginning to think I loved. "Boulevard of broken dreams", that song finally made sense. I had no idea what to do...and here I am, pardon me again for mentioning the accurate duration I survived again, for this gives me confidence to survive longer, a month and three weeks later, looking at life from a very very very different perspective trying to figure out why whatever went wrong is affecting me in that bad a way.
I mentioned in the beginning of the note that Natasha's gone. Now this makes sense in two ways...She's hopefully on board...hopefully because I want her to finish her studies....which might be a big problem because her dad's a bit too paranoid about her girl...and after that little incident, he has every right to be so.
I might not see her again.Ever. All I hope is just that she does well. But what am I supposed to do? Cry, like I am right now? and just hope that all will be well with her? All of this considering this is what love is.
I don't know.
I don't know.
All I see right now is the best part of my life flying away to live the best parts of her life.
All I see right now is that I have not spoken to her about what made her say goodbye to me.
All I see right now is that I failed to go ahead and talk about what went wrong with the person who taught me to do so.
Considering this ain't love, please do advise me of a good psychiatrist.
Thank You for reading all of this but I oughta leave before I lose my laptop's keyboard due to all those teardrops falling on it.
P.S. : All I've learned from all of what has ever happened in my life is that every new start is the beginning of an end.
P.P.S. : I'll never forget that look. Ever.
P.P.P.S. : I'll never un-learn the lesson I've learned from this....which is..."Don't drink with an Indian girl in the vicinity." :-|
P.P.P.P.S. : Ohh, and by the way, it is 2:30 A.M. and I still can't sleep....and it's not just today...it's been like this for as long as everything mentioned above happened.
P.P.P.P.P.S. : "Let's be civilized and talk". Hah!
Hello dear readers,
This is the first prose I've ever written outside of my homework assignments so I'd rather you excuse me for being a bit too abnormal.Well, I'm here to put forward a lot of thoughts that are moving around
in my mind. A hell of a lot of thoughts...
The first thought, the root of all the others, is that Natasha's gone. Well, I'm not sure if she's left. But from what I know about her plans from a month and three and a half weeks ago, she should be on a flight to UK...to Bradford...back to Forster Halls...where she's gonna spend the next 9-10 months of her life....and graduate from the University of Bradford with a B.Sc. in well, god knows what the subject is called, for I only knew about it as Business Management....lol...i never even cared to ask for the proper name of the course! Hah! But we had some....ummmmm....rather a LOT of other things to talk about....than just studies...and if we ever ran out of things, we made some up...! It was fun...it was....while it lasted...! Well, everything has to end, doesn't it?
Now, I'm on a road to recovery from something that shouldn't have hurt me at all....except for the fact that it's burning me up from inside....and freezing the hell outta me at the same time. Devika always joked around saying "Gum's in love with my baby sister!", "Gummy, ur in love", and a lot of other things...But well, I never
believed her...why would I? how could I? when I thought whatever I thought was correct and others were too blind to notice things happening around me...with me. J.K. Rowling's fictional character Albus Percival Wolfric Brain Dumbledore said "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be any recovery"...or something that meant the same....by the way, I'm sorry Mrs. Rowling for copying the statement and I hope you'll excuse me for plagiarism.
So, continuing, first question I ask myself is "What am I supposed to recover from?". Now that's a hard one. Or is it? Can dee not be right? Was I actually in love? Can someone please define love for me? Will someone please?? Again...please??? I don't know what love is but I do wanna understand why knowing what love is, is so difficult. I also wanna know if love, like some disease, be characterised by some symptoms. Well, to differentiate the normal me from a me who might have been in love, I'll provide a few changes that might strike to a love doc as some of his symptoms.
I don't know why, but all I've thought about for the past one month and three and a half weeks is about, or is related to, her. Every two seconds I've been awake, her name's popped up in my mind. I've spoken her name at random times....times like when my boss was shouting on me... Well, I've started losing control over my practiced phasing out technique where I used to dream away into my own world while something un-interesting was going around in my real world, while still paying attention to the real things happening around me. I used to cross the road with just one glance at the moving traffic because I could just picture the real things moving about as they should, in my dream world. But now, I've lost control. I phase out when I am supposed to be working, when I'm supposed to be walking, when I'm supposed to be bathing, when I'm supposed to be talking, when I'm supposed to be reading! Not normal phase out's they are though, because they all take me to her. Now that's just two. Btw, would you fuckin' believe someone buying a camera that costs 300$ for a person they never talked to for a month? Believe it, cuz I fuckin' did it! Would you fuckin' believe I keep telling her mother about the stock market in my head? cuz I knew she invests in shares and stuff?? Would you fuckin' believe I read up the whole history of American Express and Oberoi hotels just cuz her dad worked there? Would you fuckin' believe that I spend 2 hours a day reading 'Management for Dummies' just to get to know the technical terms? (Btw, m pretty good at managing stuff, it's just the terms that kill me!) Nah, a normal person doesn't do it...surely not after they've stopped talking to each other....Now is that love?
Let's just, for once, consider it to be that fucked up four letter word, L-O-V-E. What do I do next? For that to be answered, I guess I must first look at what happened that's making me even consider doing something about whatever that happened.
So, there's this one fine day, on the 31st of July....year 2009...that I decide to meet her for the last time before I leave for home...and well, I had plans to leave for U.S. in another 14 days. We meet.....talk.....have fun while sitting at Barista in C.P. We roam around Janpath looking at Sheesha's (wow, that's what she used to call them, my word was always Hookah!) and I buy a bowl...(for those who don't know, I smoke up....and I love...ohhh no, idk what love is...yet....I mean I like it). Now I call up a friend of mine....Rohan....He was my roommate while we were both at Clemson. An awesome guy....with spur-of-the-moment plans....His plan??? Let's drink...Wow..! Why not?? She's been drunk before, I knew that....I've been drunk before....with Rohan...So yeah, WHY NOT?? We had our fun...but she thought I was a bit too tipsy....and she drank my last drink...I ordered another....and we both went overboard...TO be brutal and use the bad words, well, we didn't fuck...nah...we didn't even kiss...nope....where's the problem then? Well, she had to go home....She couldn't tell her parents whom she was with...cuz they don't know me....but well, we had the time of her life...All I remember was saying a lot of things to her...and her saying a lot of things back...and suddenly, her head...it just went off...I had to drop her back home using the Metro...and I lost her while buying the token...and then, when I finally found her....I looked at her and I knew I would never forget that look on her face....She was looking terrible...as if something that had haunted her for all her life was right there in front of her...now, finally revealing itself....it's true identity...she wouldn't look up...she wouldn't speak...she couldn't speak...I remember lying to her mother about what happened...I remember her passing out in her mum's car...I remember everything cuz I knew this was where I had fucked it all up....Yes, all the fuck-up's of my life are just because I was wrong somewhere....I can not blame anyone else...I will NEVER blame any other...
So then what?? We stopped talking...the last message I got from her was something like "I made sure your dignity/self-respect still hold with my parents...and I cannot talk to you anymore". Shocked as I was, I ended up smoking in my car while driving back home and I ended up taking an un-lit cigarette right into my house (for those of you who don't know...like my mum...well, I smoke...) I crashed right at my mum's feet...she thought I was drunk...I told her everything...asked her not to tell Dad anything...she told my Dad everything...Dad accused me of forcing Natasha to drink and of many more things which now you can imagine...and I ended up slapping my dad for doubting my values. He got a bit too angry, canceled all my plans to go to the States and sent me, instead, for an internship at a place called Nalagarh (doesn't the name of the place alone tell you know how angry my Dad was?).
Well, the people who made "How to lose friends and alienate people" should take a leaf outta my book. I lost the love of my parents...and I lost the girl I was beginning to think I loved. "Boulevard of broken dreams", that song finally made sense. I had no idea what to do...and here I am, pardon me again for mentioning the accurate duration I survived again, for this gives me confidence to survive longer, a month and three weeks later, looking at life from a very very very different perspective trying to figure out why whatever went wrong is affecting me in that bad a way.
I mentioned in the beginning of the note that Natasha's gone. Now this makes sense in two ways...She's hopefully on board...hopefully because I want her to finish her studies....which might be a big problem because her dad's a bit too paranoid about her girl...and after that little incident, he has every right to be so.
I might not see her again.Ever. All I hope is just that she does well. But what am I supposed to do? Cry, like I am right now? and just hope that all will be well with her? All of this considering this is what love is.
I don't know.
I don't know.
All I see right now is the best part of my life flying away to live the best parts of her life.
All I see right now is that I have not spoken to her about what made her say goodbye to me.
All I see right now is that I failed to go ahead and talk about what went wrong with the person who taught me to do so.
Considering this ain't love, please do advise me of a good psychiatrist.
Thank You for reading all of this but I oughta leave before I lose my laptop's keyboard due to all those teardrops falling on it.
P.S. : All I've learned from all of what has ever happened in my life is that every new start is the beginning of an end.
P.P.S. : I'll never forget that look. Ever.
P.P.P.S. : I'll never un-learn the lesson I've learned from this....which is..."Don't drink with an Indian girl in the vicinity." :-|
P.P.P.P.S. : Ohh, and by the way, it is 2:30 A.M. and I still can't sleep....and it's not just today...it's been like this for as long as everything mentioned above happened.
P.P.P.P.P.S. : "Let's be civilized and talk". Hah!
2
Cures to my Broken Heart !!!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Envy led the way on the path of life.
Purity, the innocence,
the love in its eyes,
So unaware, this creature,
New to this life
Dying, and a corpse
the last few words, it cries,
dust are it's wings,
they rot, and feed the flies
What does it know
of sorrow and of pain?
Of death and destruction
And satans evil game
It lost its innocence
in this mortal life was its bane,
there was death and destruction
over was God's reign.
what does it know?
Not what it should.
and in this life,
slowly it would,
seek what they say is,
the meaning of life,
and along its fruitless journey
murder it will find
It started walking the path
it should have not taken,
strolling along those trails
Oh! was he not mistaken?
It left on a road
that left it behind
and until that brutal murder,
the search was going fine
Lucky it was murdered
So young in life
Had it carried on
only to find
that demons and angels
fight against the wrong
try and undo the right
and in this war of good and bad
he too would be asked to fight
A never ending fight
with no knowledge of right
He would be led astray
without a choice
to leave or stay
there would be nothing wrong
to add another who's just born
and if he had survived
to be one more forlorn
Lost in its dilemma
of wrong over right
Faced with the truth
That only the bright
Light from an angel
Its halo a glow
As hard hitting as it was
It could not follow
The fire was a trap
His smile
His grasp
Luring it was
Till the devil caught him altogether
and that my beautiful child,
is innocence lost all over.
- non-sense
the love in its eyes,
So unaware, this creature,
New to this life
Dying, and a corpse
the last few words, it cries,
dust are it's wings,
they rot, and feed the flies
What does it know
of sorrow and of pain?
Of death and destruction
And satans evil game
It lost its innocence
in this mortal life was its bane,
there was death and destruction
over was God's reign.
what does it know?
Not what it should.
and in this life,
slowly it would,
seek what they say is,
the meaning of life,
and along its fruitless journey
murder it will find
It started walking the path
it should have not taken,
strolling along those trails
Oh! was he not mistaken?
It left on a road
that left it behind
and until that brutal murder,
the search was going fine
Lucky it was murdered
So young in life
Had it carried on
only to find
that demons and angels
fight against the wrong
try and undo the right
and in this war of good and bad
he too would be asked to fight
A never ending fight
with no knowledge of right
He would be led astray
without a choice
to leave or stay
there would be nothing wrong
to add another who's just born
and if he had survived
to be one more forlorn
Lost in its dilemma
of wrong over right
Faced with the truth
That only the bright
Light from an angel
Its halo a glow
As hard hitting as it was
It could not follow
The fire was a trap
His smile
His grasp
Luring it was
Till the devil caught him altogether
and that my beautiful child,
is innocence lost all over.
- non-sense
2
Cures to my Broken Heart !!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
